Hey theres a creepy ass guy stalking our house.i would look alive geting in 2nite.
I've replaced the bottom of the food pyramid with alcohol.
He DELETED brick breaker off his blackberry why even bother trying to find something in common?
Best idea ever: Giving hobos a beer and having a chugging contest to win another beer. Most fun I have had downtown in a while.
Do you ever just look at me and get embarrassed?
Remember how I haven't seen my step sister in like 7 years? Pretty sure I just made out with her...
I transported a midget tonight. He got beat up by another, midgetier midget. Is it bad that this is what makes me feel compassion after 15 years of being a paramedic?
Midgetier?
Smaller, yet meaner.
Finally better. I had to use eye makeup remover to get the purple wine stains off my lips
Daquari drive throughs 24 hours a day. LORD HAVE MERCY
I mean, the night I fell out of that bus I made you pour vodka onto my wound to clean it, then duct taped a paper towel to my hand and kept drinking.
You were peeing off the rooftop and told everyone sometimes you just gotta go
Another guy on Tinder just asked about "the hotter girl" in my pictures. I fucking hate being your friend.
Dipping my sugar cookies in a glass of fireball and creme soda. This is holiday spirit
If I get really high and watch Beauty and The Beast on our Netflx account, will you judge me?
Only if you start before I get home!
I swear he is my soulmate. He kept feeding me goldfish while we were fucking. Who wouldn't enjoy that while having sex.
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