Racial profiling caused me to miss two cabs but the third cabs the charm - he's playing Jesus Music
when she started arguing that Girl Talk was in fact a DJ, i knew i could never sleep with her
well after he sqeezed a zit off his forearm i got the hell outta there
ra ra ra ah ah
wtf?
sexting lady gaga style
I just used celery as a chaser. That's the level of my refrigerator.
I mean how do you tell a nurse in the ER that you dislocated your knee giving a blowjob to your boyfriend.
Very innocently.
While looking for an apartment, I've realized that the way I rate balconies is on the "how easy would it be to smoke weed here" scale.
What other scale is there?
Annnnd I didn't even notice there is a guy dancing in a jock strap beside me. That explains girls smiling at me
I woke up with the Dorothy costume at my ankles, both sparkly red shoes on, and clutching ToTo....we're not in Kansas anymore, dude
And by pregame I mean drink heavily and watch Russian dash cam car crash vids
Let's buy some Wrangler jeans and be real live men.
I should not be this drunk in a place where a girl is wearing a princess dress
Ordered a pizza stoned. The guy handed me my pizza and I tried to pay him by handing him back the pizza.
My idiot ex texted me on Valentine's day to tell me I was right, he did need a therapist.
Why would you get kicked out?
Well, an overweight man is currently not wearing a shirt. Or pants. And is getting in touch with his inner Chippendale. You can probably fill in the blanks.
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