I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
Going abroad, it was like my vagina was in a candy store... a sweet sweet british candy store
I was on hold waiting for customer service at verizon so we obviously we had enough time to have sex, i just put the phone on speaker
I just don't want to have to pretend at every family function she brings him to that he didn't hit on me first
Well pretty sure I lost 3 of my best friends in one week. Remember when I said I wasn't sure if I was gonna be a better person or a more despicable one in 2012. Despicable wins.
I love her to death but its like you have to do 5 lines of coke to be on her level.
We wore fake mustaches and shirts that said team mustache ride to a party we weren't even invited to
Just puke n rally. People can't judge, it's syllabus week.
she just stared at nothing and then looked at me and goes, "that's a weird place to put the wall"
They have a house rule that you get a composite for every 5 guys you sleep with. Where should I hang my new one?
A homeless man gave him a blanket and an ambulance drove him to sarahs...
They only searched every other person. But I sacrificed myself to get our vodka across the border
Yeah well, last time I said I wasn't having a big night I was being strangled in somebody's spare bed
I have finally found someone I enjoy for reasons that do not necessarily include his dick
He put on star wars porn, i thought it was hilarious last night but now i'm wondering why he has star wars porn
Randomize
