Where were you when I was single???
Still in diapers.
My mom just got knocked over by a rollerblader. I'm trying not to laugh, bc my family looks pretty concerned
You keep asking me questions like I have this magical thing called a memory
Since when is my name a synonym for head?
Her birthday cake consisted of a shot of tequila with a candle in it
Dude, we're at Einstein's Bagels and the dude next to us is spreading cannabutter on his bagel.
someone just puked in the library. they put up caution tape. i totally underestimated finals week.
due to concerns over safety, the theme of the 'naked fondue party' has now been changed to the 'naked fondue party with optional apron' please b.y.o.apron. extra prizes for most creative apron.
If I don't wake up hungover in a ditch Monday morning I will consider my halloween a failure
My boyfriend just sent me flowers. I am now crying at the fact i fucked my fat neighbor. God please help me.
i've officially fucked a sailor, a policeman and a biker. I've never noticed my Village People fetish until now...
It's been this way for a few days. I had chick fil a on Friday so this could be an attack from the Gay Gods as punishment.
Youll thank me when youre dead an dont have a cat eating your face
I took multi-tasking to a new level. I just ate a plate of nachos off my lap while driving to the bar. And I barely got any on me.
I'm driving to work hungover. I feel like I got hit by a train and then drank that train too.
Randomize