i wanna have a kid now so by the time he's 20 ill only be 42 and assuming im already divorced we can pick up girls together
I threw up red last night... I wanted to pinch myself because it wasn't green.
She's legit crying about wanting more sex. Holy shit.
On the plus side I got to ride in a fire truck and I didn't have to blow anybody for it
My google searches from last night: tetanus shot rabbit bite, Bacardi gluten free
She passed out on the kitchen table with two mickeys forties duct taped to her hands. Clearly she is going to fit perfectly in your house this semester
A man just poked my foot with his crutches while I'm shitting. Is that how the disabled gays ask for a glory hole blow jay?
I'm truly not mad that he's at a strip club, it's that he couldn't look far enough into the future to figure out how to get himself home from one
theres too many punctuation errors in that text to turn me on.
Do you know how hard it is to give a bj in your dead grandmothers car
He was semi blacked out in the hallway with a bucket, calling for me while I had sex with his best friend in the very next room. Why do you let me do these things?
You went home with a guy at 11... than returned to the bar at 1
I'm pretty sure the cop knew you were drunk when you tried to light your cigg with a chapstick.
there's a giant awkward home-wrecking elephant in the room. and its name is meg.
I’ve wanted to home wreck him since their wedding. It was a dream come true
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