So she farted while we were having sex but I was afraid she would stop because she was emberessed so i just went ahead and took the blame and apologized
I love how my brain works. It's like being on drugs without the costly upkeep.
Just found out that I was singing john legend songs as I threw up last night. Quality.
i was trying to wake him up so i just kept touching his dick
i'm sitting pantsless eating potato chips and watching porn before he picks me up for our date. I hope he's ready for this...
This is your morning news. Today at 5 pm I will be going out of town until the 29th. If you would like some great sex before I leave, please contact me. The available packages are: a house call, an outdoor excursion, or a delivery style in-car quickie. available only while supplies last.
I mean it's like...I'm sorry I slept with your boyfriend but is it my fault that he failed to mention you when I was giving him head in the Dave and Busters bathroom?
There is so much wrong with that sentence
Yeah there really shouldn't be a bar at D&B's...shit gets real
God I need to stop before there's a picture of my dick on my mom's phone.
My legs r really sober for running now
I don't think that's how sobriety works.
pesky things like morals, self-preservation and cowardice are not needed. overkill is nothing but a word. there will be blood.
Well yeah. But im not sure i trust the black out drunk high girl giving life advice
Omg. I can't go on a date with this man. His kids are too ugly.
The guy I blew who bought us all the shots last night? I really think he's the TV guy I'm watching give the local weather. Like right now.
You were cussing me out in sign language, and slurring your signs.
That's some kind of record drunk there...
Texting people and counting condoms..we have like fourteen. Goal for this week: use all of them
Randomize
