mmmm my 21st bday fucking sucks all my best friends are pregnant...selfish assholes. they just couldnt wait til after my bday.
he had to chose between the booze and condoms
what did he choose?
the booze, then looked at me and said, plan b is free right?
Sunscreen. In my vag. I hate summer sex.
I have two stamps on my hand....ones from the bar and one is from an aquarium...care to explain?
The only thing I remember is vomiting and then feeding my dog a Mcdonalds cheeseburger and telling him yolo
My roommates just built a mini golf course upstairs while I was sleeping.
foreskin is a definite game changer
We took it as we must go to waffle house or else we will upset the gods.
From one hot mess to another... Get it together.
Literally got mad at him this morning because we didn't have time to have sex for a third time. I think I'm getting greedy.
You said you brought chipotle into a movie and I asked you to marry me and you said yes
It was 3 am when she drunkenly tried to deep-fry a banana.
How'd she do that?
The smoothie place is closed, but the liquor store is open and wine is kinda like a smoothie.
Omg the sex was so good my ears popped. Thank god too. Cause then I didn't have to hear him going on and on about his dumbass feelings. It's called a booty call bitch.
Why do my weekends always degenerate into using my little brothers childrens board games for drinking games?
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