I was being carried out of the bar, but then my friend saw Pat who just got kicked out scaling the wall to sneak back in, so he carried me back in, sat me on the bar stool, and the bartender just let us all keep drinking.
Being persistent has its perks my friend.
Anderson Cooper interviews Obama. It's like CNN is teasing and broadcasting my dream 3 way.
If u were an xman, what would ur power be? I would shoot lasers from my boobs.
I just took a shit with a lightsaber in my hand. Dreams fulfilled.
I woke up and the only 2 bowls I own were shattered on my floor. Pretty sure my hand and tailbone are broken and I have no idea what the fuck happened
The lady sitting right behind me on the bus has baby birds in her purse. Shes feeding them bugs from a cup with a pair of tweezers... I love san francisco!
Do you think wearing a shirt that says I like penis is too much for tonight?
Ya know what's been the best part of this College Football Season? Not having to hear Brent Musberger say the Honey Badger 77 fucking times.
WHAT KIND OF SELF RESPECTING 28 YEAR OLD WOMAN WAKES UP IN A FRAT HOUSE?!?'
The cougar kind?
I just remembered that we had an in-depth conversation about how it was too stressful to wear pants.
I was so gone I thought the cops banging on my door were kids from the party trying to get into my room... needless to say, I started moaning louder so they would take the hint.
So drunk I thought the door was feeling me up for a seconds
he sent me a green and gold dick pic and advised me I needed to come drive the snake from Ireland.
Don't drink and try to take a shower. I thought I was drowning
Every time I look at him 'Relax' by Frankie Goes to Hollywood plays in my head. Is that weird?
Randomize
