my girlfriends now gay ex-boyfriend kissed me. tell maddie i can't hangout today
Sorry, I don't speak sober.
you were licking his little sister's watercolors and trying to paint with your tongue.
I am willing to take shots of vanilla extract. That's how this night has been.
She just sat there, all alone, with a bottle of booze. And the dog. He even looked like he didn't wanna be there with her.
You just said we could build a blanket and pillow "fuck fort." Of course I'm never leaving you.
Definitely need to find a less healthy bootycalls. All this bitch got in her fridge is feta, English muffins and wheat grass. What the fuck can I make with that???
Found 2 Coors, problem solved.
Sorry, I was unaware dragging you upstairs for sex was such an awful thing.
I just want to meet whoever runs the hall cameras
hahahaha I don't. Watch one day i'll be walking along and someone will stop me and say "oh you're that one girl who is out. of. control." But then they'd probably give me a high five.
I am in the bathroom at work, pooing while eating pretzels. Hungover Fridays are in full effect
I can't adult today.
Take a nap and try again
I have to buy a couch. There's nothing more adult than buying a couch on a Tuesday.
If there's anything else you're planning on stealing from me, please let me know so I can set it on fire
I'm sorry for breaking our door. And being a bitch about it.
I'm waiting for your stupid pizza and this 400 lb drunk man is behind me singing the acapella version of Elevation by U2
I'm seriously considering selling my books back early. I don't use them anyways and I could really use the beer money..
Randomize
