doing shots has become such a natural thing to me that i just instinctively swallowed listerine
How could you not be happy? Its like "and then I found 5 dollars" but "and then I found a handle of vodka"
He literally stopped in the middle of sex to look up sex positions on his iPhone...
This whole night would have been avoided if the liquor store had air heads
...if you're living vicariously thought me, that was a great blow job you just gave in the B&N parking lot.
I didnt think the feeling of accomplishment for fucking brothers would be this great.
Dude we both faced 40s of steel reserve which is like saying, "Hey, I'm a complete piece of shit!"
I forgot to tell you. Your neighbor was walking his tiny dog and saw me crawl out of my jeep drunk vomiting and holding onto my bumper. He just said: morning! all friendly.
The name of tonight's festivities is hereby decreed to be the "Honey Boo Boo Hootenanny".
So, my ex just showed me the drunk voicemail we left him last night. Started out with me saying "I think it's Shane." Then you took my phone and started singing a song about peanut butter, train tracks, and tequila. I joined in. On the upside, he said he's totally fine with being on the drunk dial list from now on. Soooo, another tequila night??
And at the semi-adult age of 25 I have shit my pants. Not even drunk, just really late to work. Is this real life?
It's cool bro. The video I have of you drunk trying to fix it with the sonic screwdriver was worth it.
I found a used condom in my purse this morning. It was in there with a bunch of smushed french fries.
Remember when we got high off our ass and you talked me into running in place then punched me in the face and said it was a wall?
Ya, you were bleeding for an hour and a half
I am still worried she'll have a seizure durring. What would I do? Try to ride it out and finish, or pull out and assist?
Randomize
