God dammit. Now I'm pissed at Arizona, while feeling bad for my poor, poor penis.
im going to have to ask you to stop vomiting stars, rainbows, and butterflies all over your facebook statuses...
She was wasted. Kept yelling "what if I'm pregnant" and trying to push me into the tree. First and last time I bring a girl to my family christmas party.
We were playing flip cup on the nice dining room table. Losing team had to shamwow the table in between rounds
So I have some interesting news. The pizza guy called the cops on me...
Just found a hole in my wall with your left shoe in it.
on the list of things i learned today that are not stripper poles: ex-boyfriends, table legs, and police officers.
You're just mad because I look hotter in my mug shot than you do in yours
Mistakes were made. Hot mistakes that I want to make again. But tapping your employee is def a mistake. Esp in front of two other employees.
Judging by the progress I've made since I woke up (none) I'm thinking this hangover may keep me in bed.
And I must've sleep walked to the fridge cause when I woke up, there I was, balls deep in a fudge pop.
Yeah I was just reminiscing about that time a seagull shit on your head at the beach
Guy just walked in with a 40 and a Honda steering wheel. Where the fuck am I?
He was a foot taller than me and my hands were bigger than his, it's called Pity head
Like sorry your dick won’t suck itself?
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