there's a booger on my laptop, i suspect it's yours
We just saw a waitress walk by with a tray of bacardi and whipped cream.
Whoever ordered that deserves a pat on the back and the "classiest customer" award
the best job he will get is a sex ed teacher in alabama
Theres someone in the car behind me eating corn on the cob & talking on the phone
My fight-or-flight response is really more fight-or-fuck
I have now slept with people from more countries than Ive actually visited. Can we make this a game somehow? Like foreign fuck buddy bingo?
The second I saw you stumbling down the stairs in a princess crown, I knew I had a friend for life.
I'm still tasting pancake mix. I think this may actually be a serious medical problem...
It felt like he was juggling my kidneys with the head of his penis... If you could even call it that, it was more like a lochness monster. Huge and mythical.
Dude, it's the frankincense and myrrh soap. Smelling like baby Jesus will get you laid.
My time here is complete. I think I have now thrown up in every major degree programs building
If you really loved me, you'd support my weed habit.
As the person who squeezed you out of my vagina, the answer is no.
EMERGENCY FRIEND CRISIS: WE HAVE TOO MUCH WHISKEY. ABORT HANGING OUT WITH MELISSA, RECOMMEND TO HANG OUT WITH OUR WHISKEY INSTEAD
I needed 3am water. Not 3am shots of rum.
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like picking cocaine boogers out of your nose at your parents house.
Randomize
