I'm trying to bond with my sister... Its like getting to know a person I never met that I don't like
the next time i see a chick with leggings under her jean skirt...i'm gona beat her ass with a fashion magazine...
I really hope I'm not the first person who's had to wash vomit off of cash and credit cards.
i think of them as a grilled chicken salad and a fried chicken biscuit. obviously Amy is better for me, but when i'm eating her all i can think about is how much better the blonde must taste.
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawn mower thinking of you
I need the number of a restaurant that delivers, has lock-picking abilities, and is okay with full frontal male nudity. Entirely too hungover to get out of bed.
Can we go to Home Depot next week? Drunk Kim broke my toilet with a hammer.
Better than road-head. Just got model-home-head. Also got a disapproving scowl of judgment from the realtor on the way out.
I'm mad at him and disappointed with you. It's like I put a bunch of effort into a PowerPoint of "what not to do with Zach" to show you and the first bullet point was "do not love him" and you're just disregarding all my effort and friendship.
I have to make mistakes myself to learn from them
FUCK YOU I AM MAKING A POWERPOINT
Whoever labeled dysfunctional a bad thing obviously never saw this frinedship coming.
I'm sorry I was just sleeping on the kitchen floor I'm too dead to think
ARE YOU OKAY?
Physically? Yes. Morally? No.
If you can throw 105 mph it’s mandatory that you’re hung.
You told me you could hear my heartbeat through my penis but your methods were unethical.
Sixty five beats a minute. I stand by that.
Have you ever forgotten how to pee? I did last night. Standing in front of the urinal with dick in hand. WTF were we drinking???
Randomize
