I almost didn't wake up for my first day of work. The 3rd bottle of champagne was a mistake. And the 2nd bottle of wine after that was probably excessive
I'm surrounded by too many unhungover people.
Oh btw I took the eighth out of the plastic wrap so I could use it to wrap my red pepper. This can be seen as either pathetic or resourceful.
By midnight I was dipping doritos in frosting...that's how my simmer break diet is going.
the whole "pretend to be sober/pull it together for my family" thing really blew up in my face when i threw up into my pillowcase.
Yes, but it's not new to me. It's like every time a new guy finds out I'm a squirter it's a novelty so they make me squirt and squirt and squirt until their bed is completely soaked. And then afterwards they complain that there isn't a dry bit to sleep on. No shit Sherlock.
She's the one that asked you what my favorite color was & handed you a piece of bacon
You told the cop FUCK YOU AND YOUR TASER, i dont think he appricaited that
I'm using the house around the corner that my parents rent out to people as a means of getting sex. I just tell them I'm going for a walk and just invite my next hook up over
That's why you bone lesbian cage fighters and 45 year olds. To make life less boring.
I got her number but I don't think I'll be able to smash, I was pretending to be British AND I forgot her name
I find celibacy oppressive. Huge waste of my time and talents.
I masterbated to his instagram page. Too far or....?
Sometimes the most spiritual fucking thing to do is punch somebody in the face.
You got up in the middle of a sentence, puked, came out and poured another glass of wine and continued your story.
Randomize
