I failed the drunk obstacle course of trying to find my bed... consolation prize... a sore ankle and "disappointed' parents.
I woke up in the penthouse and did lines off the to of the fireplace. This is not real.
he had his head down and said he was listening for the buffalo, he had to still be drunk.
I know for sure he's a bro because he closed the door so my gf didn't see me hooking up with her cousin.
He stopped in the middle of us having sex and asked "is today Monday?" then went even faster
Every shot buddy I have I end up blowing. I don't know whether this pattern is good or bad.
Which outfit says "I'm sorry for your loss but we're still banging later"?
When theres a zombie apocalypse, i will be the only fat survivor. I ate chef boyardi ravioli with part of a pen for a fork
I picked a bad day to wear the catch me fuck me shoes.
Did someone catch you and fuck you?
He keeps bees of course he's weird
I drank a fishbowl of liquor and next thing I know I'm sliding into Zach Galifinakis' DMs
Im drunk taking pregnancy tests with this really hot girl...i dont know what is happening
I mean, it's good for a lot of things. Just not the inside of your vagina
Well neither is bbq sauce but I dont judge kinks
I just thought that if your brother was ever going to invite me over again, he probably shouldn't catch me fucking you in his bathroom.
I have mystery bruises on my right knee, right arm, under my chin, and on my forehead. What the fuck happened last night??
Randomize
