hey dude i know youre in the next room but me and your sister need a condom, got any i could borrow?
In a meeting with the accounting department. This shit is even more boring in real life and there isn't a professor to wake me up.
My mom assumed I was crying because he was leaving. Figured that was better than explaining my eye's sensitivity to semen..
I look like a herd of wild horses chewed on my back. If you bite me again while taking me from behind, I'm going to have to cut you off.
FYI If I die in my sleep it is because I drank a bottle of coke from 1986. I needed a mixer
Yea. I couldn't get a job in fast food but I can teach Americas youth. The future looks great
How many strippers in the world do you think have had a debate with someone about the NRA?
Guess who just got out of a ticket because the cop liked her costume? THIS GIRL.
After that song played in the club all he kept drunkenly saying was "Birdman goes brrrrrr"
The owner was showing me around and pointed at one of the bars and said "this is the one you're allowed to dance on. I could tell you wanted to ask." DREAM JOB.
You are hereby uninvited from future Turnt Tuesdays until further notice.
You was so high that you insisted that you heard someone whistle, then you insisted they was trapped in the wall!
i thought the time we went to a party with no shoes on was bad, how about the time you left with no pants on?
I love you, but seriously, that was way too long a thesis on an Arby’s curly fry being wrapped around schlong!
I was so high last night that at one point I kept licking his neck saying he tasted like soap and truffles.
Randomize
