Can a clitoris grow tomatoes? Its symbolic and rhetorical.
Answer the phone when I call you in a second. Just got pulled over for getting road head, going to secretly put you on speaker phone, this should be good
filled out health questionnaire for lower premiums a little bit too honestly. Literally got assigned a life coach.
Wearing the BK Crown on the throne while dropping the kids off at the pool? Yes, one of my life's goals. Win
I tried to high-five the cop last night. he just looked at my raised hand and told me to go to bed.
Hostess is going out of business we'll never survive the apocalypse
"Just cut me in half. Then take half of me home. And leave the other half here. Cuz I can't see."
I woke up with a massive hangover and realized I still had an entire bottle of tequila in my car...so yeah, working on tomorrow's hangover.
Had to sacrifice my vibrator batteries to the thermostat gods. I had a dirty dream and also almost a heat stroke.
That moment when a stripper is the one that makes the two of you have to define the status of your relationship...
We need to leave a grand offering for the god of free booze and salvia.
Dude on a beach in sicily and a blonde jesus just smoked us out and then tried to makeout with me I am never leaving this place
She stripped naked and ran around the outside of the house while I stood by the tent holding her clothes shouting "come back" because I was too drunk to chase her. This is why we can't have nice things.
he put a condom on for a handjob WTF
i only got to wear my halloween costume for an half hour before it got taken off.
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