I just made out with a girl with a life jacket on wtf is going on
All I saw was a beagle come across the screen and explain the theory of relativity to me and leave
She says I'm cute and I remind her of her brother. She's too hot to back out now. I don't know. I'm guna go for it.
We were having sex and his high flatmates stood outside his room playing the guitar and singing Somebody to Love by Justin Beiber. Weirdest night ever.
I have cobwebs on my vagina for halloween. And bats fly out when I open my legs.
idk man, i just want to be a bad influence for future generations
He told me to be careful with the shrooms because he mostly had caps left. He sounded apologetic but that's the best news all week.
I didn't want to but I was drunk in a Disney bathroom with her and had a weak moment.
I feel like I missed the land of milk and honey and instead wound up in the land of beer and pizza. And yet, I think I'm happier here.
In case you were wondering how drunk I was last night, there was an unopened slim Jim in front of my door and I ate it.
Would it be wrong to text my ex and say "congratulations on the new baby that you had with a stripper"?
My roommate taped his phone to the ceiling fan to simulate walking so he could hatch Pokémon. Lazy people will always find a way.
I'm smoking and watching the Muppets Treasure Island. Where are you?
Something about that statement reminds me just how much of a role model you are, sis.
I just got wasted for $3.50. My life can't get any better.
Then you screamed in her face to shut up about thick thighs saving lives because actually they can suffocate people during oral sex
Drunk me is very safety conscious And apparently just as annoyed by her as sober me
Randomize
