I would kick you in the vagina but I'm afraid I would lose my shoe.
there's a picture of him beating off in the library with a cowboy hat. please steer clear of this one if you ever want to be respected.
St Patricks Day is not the day you decide to have a sober epiphany.
I know that was a dream because I woke up and there was no pizza
The hookers weren't a dream get tested
Also txt me when you take your first dump of the year... I'd like to synchronize if that's at all possible.
I'm at his house right now making him pancakes to compensate for YOU not giving him a handjob last night. You're welcome.
I'm convinced my penis is the only thing holding this relationship together.
He is just a personification of a vodka hangover.
Yes. Sex with questionable women, and made of potatoes.
I mean I love some drunk compliments, but he just wasn't up to my low standards.
Didn't have the heart to tell him that while he was eating my ass I was laughing, not moaning, into the pillow
I WANT TO JUMP IN TO A VOLCANO
Bring me pizza. I'll trade you your underwear you left here for 2 slices.
I let my daughters ex boyfriend take me home from the bar. Hey, at least he's old enough to drink
Ripping out my IUD in Dave and busters bathroom
you better come over.. I need a witness to help prove the couch talks to me
Randomize
