just by requesting 'I think we're alone now', not only did you achieve emptying the bar, but you also rubbed it in the owners face.
he was going down on me when he saw the warts...nevertheless he told me he had to pick his sister up from school. why does this keep happening to me???
3 complete strangers have joyously high-fived me on campus today. Tell me why, starting after jager bomb #4.
Mmmhmmm sure, nice try, but there's certain wounds that only bj's can heal
Who would we be if we didn't go out to drink during finals week? NOBODY
i feel like pizza bites are my only friend right now
Mystery solved: The table is broken because I had sex on it last night.
Shit. I'm suppose to call the bank but I'm too high to talk numbers.
I'm chatting on my fake OkCupid account and watching Lion Witch & Wardrobe on my second screen. Hail me, King of the Creepers
Would jacking off with Benadryl cream be good or bad for the poison oak on my dick?
Like if it it's practical for your sexual health I'm allergic to it AKA REGULAR CONDOMS
I like to oil my gears with cheap vodka and strangers
Goddamn right, I may not survive the apocalypse, but my eyebrows fucking will.
I WANT BLOOD. HERS. I WILL DYE A FABULOUS PAIR OF SUEDE PUMPS RED WITH HER BLOOD.
Sitting on my couch watching TV in my underwear drinking a bottle of wine.... and you want to interrupt me to come pick you up. No I will not do it.
Randomize
