i just saw a homeless guy running after a pigeon, catch it and put it in his jacket pocket. I'm not sure if the bird is now his pet or dinner!
Omg. Well, welcome to Oakland...
you know your drunk when 7 soccer players cant catch up to a tranny in high heels who just stole your wallet
So I think I just got a job offer from the guy I used to blow. See, networking pays off.
Just saw a guy doing jumping jacks at the gym. I don't even have to create a punch line for that
Goose bottles do NOT make good bowling pins
Just saw a porn entitled "Nad Biter". Redheads are now forever out of the picture.
i just wasnt prepared to have the baby of one of two french firemen. threesomes are too confusing.
I have a callous on the palm of my hand just below my ring finger that is entirely from opening so many beer bottles. I'm strangely proud right now.
I puked walking onto the plane. How do you think my post-Birthday hangover went?
It's going to be weird as hell when you have kids. I'll meet them and think "Hi, Did you know that I was almost your dad?"
He said I act like a cross between a kindergartener and a high 70 year old man. Which is inacurate because it fails to account for the disco obsession.
I yield to the immortal wisdom of one ludacris, who famously wrote, "can't turn a hoe in to a housewife." Indeed, ludacris, indeed.
He just stays over and makes naked pancakes in the morning
I didnt know whether I was going to vomit or orgasm because I was feeling both sensations
She called a 10 year old handsome and we gave her a look that was equal parts confused and “what the hell is wrong with you”
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