Dude I wish you were here. I'm innthe back seat and it looks like outer space and everything feels like rice. idk. wtf.
have you ever been in a public bathroom and someone walked in, and you played "Fat or Crying" based on her breathing?
I am the Bobby Fisher of drunk asss puking
Pretty much knew it was gonna be awful when the extra condoms she had from her ex were entirely too big for my dick
I know he gets bloody noses a lot...so that explains all the blood...but I'd say the condoms are definitely from a penis.
Apperanlty I was screaming "It's hard to swim with a broken ankle sir" and then tackled the lifeguard. The joys of blackouts
She literally pulled the door off the hinges and "dropped" it down the stairs... Do I just say 'good job' and put her to sleep?
Bitch looked at my dick and said "I thought they called you horsecock, I'm already disappointed"
I told you that line would get her home never said it was a good idea
I think this agreement was sent by God. I get to do my own thing, get laid, and he still makes me breakfast in the morning.
If I had a mugshot, I would totally use it as my main picture on Tinder, just to keep it interesting.
Because it's not worth it. And there is no nice way of saying "sorry, you're not good enough at sex for me to drive 45 mins"
NOBODY TALKS SHIT ABOUT PANDA EXPRESS
I was just tongue fucked into oblivion.
Are you ok?!
I assume I've stopped bleeding because I haven't passed out, but can't verify currently.
"keg stand!" on a roof abruptly turned into "call the medics"
Randomize
