I faked an abortion last night.
Do vagina's smell?
beeferoni + vodka = puke stuck in braces.
Ya,, he does have virgin eyes. Thats a real thing you know...
I feel like my chances would have been better if I hadn't told her "I need to fuck you before you leave."
I'll reiterate. Best drinking game ever. I shall teach it to my children's children
Downloaded the Pocket Penguin app. There are now penguins living in my phone. Technology is wonderful.
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
Your father is wrapped in a table cloth singing, "America Fuck Yeah!" You are missing the time of your life.
I woke up to find a bottle of Bacardi in my shower rack. How was your night?
I hate ovaries. They're horrible little sacs of satanic enmity.
That's the most poetic description of female anatomy I've ever heard.
"I feel morally obligated to vote for him since he's my drug dealers dad"
Come over. And we'll put iced coffee in the bong.
He woke me up at 6:30 to have sex again and afterwards, he didn't even judge me when I asked him if he wanted some rum. I think I found my soulmate.
Remember how I made that resolution to remain celibate for 6 months? Well, I just broke that
You literally made that 4 hours ago...
Randomize
