my phone needs a breathalizer
Let's play a little game called "Chill the Fuck Out" - you're our first contestant
turns out Discover card thinks that if you spend $450 at four different liquor stores in one evening that the card "must have been stolen"
god, a vagina is an amazing trump card
hey boys, thanks for all the pictures of your dick you took with my camera last night...they were really nice to stumble upon while reliving my night in the breakroom today at work
i wish i could tell you the night didnt begin with me drinking alone
I feel like I'm a marionette being lifted around. Four Loko.
He bought me shots at the bar as his way of of paying me back for Plan B
did you dip my ponytail in franzia? its the only thing i can think of to explain my hair right now.
Let's enter the circle of trust. Are we there yet? Ok. If I somehow hypothetically slept with Amandas ex husband...on a scale of one to ten...how bad is that?
I made him say "i realize i'm cheating on my girlfriend" five times aloud before i would hook up with him. Somehow that has to lessen my bad karma
I'm drunk at 3:28
I'm jealous as shit at 3:34
I feel like my body was put in a dryer with rocks set on permanent press.
He was making a joke about signing my name on this piece of paper. He has a whole bucket filled with names on pieces of paper. I think thats how he keeps count.
My boss is paying me to come clean his house in a maid outfit and told me not to tell anyone....this is shady as fuck but I need the money
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