it seems as if every mistake i've ever made in life i've had an errection in one hand and a bud light in the other
I am drinking with my family and the average drinking tolerance is a shot and a half. I feel like the incredible hulk.
i'm going to be one of those im-wearing-a-shirt-as-a-dress girls today. dont make fun of me, i need laid
Dood you jacked it to warcraft. you can't come back from something like that
Your favorite bartender is back from prision
Hey guess what I got for Valentine's day? Debt and blue balls.
Wow. Thanks for becoming another fan of something on Facebook. You make me want to gouge my eyes out.
You tried to tell her that the salad was an afrodisiac then proceeded to stroke yourself with the feather duster
Remember when I booked a hotel room for next sat? Nneither do I.
We talk about tequila and blow jobs the way that normal people talk about the news and the weather.
I just found a hunk of ham in my back jeans pocket from god knows when. We gotta stop going so ham.
The maid moved your bed and found almost 40 used condoms and wrappers. She just looks at me and says "Dave?"
That amazing moment when the girl in the passenger seat decides to strip you while your driving.
I gave your mom a discount on her coffee, its my way to say thanks for having a son that makes me come every time
You're just upset because I have cupcakes and boobs and you don't.
Randomize
