So I have to go swallow an entire zebra. Ur on ur own girl.
i wish mother nature was an actual person cause i'd bitch slap her for sure
oh great. kentucky is ranked #1 in the country for child abuse. go us.
Hey, I can't get ahold of Tommy. Let him know his ex-girlfriend is pregnant.
Just woke up with a blunt in each nostril and a lighter duct taped to my chest...good lookin out
you never texted me what you wanted from the store so I got a piece of chicken and bottle of tequila. if you want anything else you are on your own.
Hey is there a picture of me in a trash can on your phone?
Wanna hang out? my DILF had to dip out for his sons little league game
My nipple piercings are like the guardrails, that's why they feel so safe.
That hot guy i showed you guessed my exact bra size. I want to have his tan babies.
I bet my lungs hate me more than my liver
That's a hard toss up
seriously they are like going to hulk burst through. There are perks and downfalls to having big boobs
My manager just held my hair while I threw up in a dumpster. New low.
Nothing says "happy birthday" like a negative pregnancy test
What's the protocol for doing tequila shots at a baseball game when you're chaperoning for a church group? You know, hypothetically.
Randomize
