I am I'm going to have heart failure he's peed on my life.
Booty call?
Dude you don't even follow my twitter
soo according to the calendar on my phone, I'm 5 minutes late to have sex with that guy from work. Apparently we planned this, I even set an alarm.
ugh.. my birth control just came out of my nose. wtf?
True Life: I hate vaginal excretions
I need to start giving them away because owning 20 dildos is never going to get me a boyfriend.
I finally looked at the pictures from last night thanks for feeding me and pulling my pants up
Are you complaining because you're getting too much sex to find the time to masturbate?
Well, when you say it like that it sounds silly.
I look like one classy bitch running in heels through my backyard while carrying a small dog and a large bottle of booze. How am I still single?
Seems like you've kicked summer 2012 off well.
At least I got to make out with you a little before you proposed.
If you don't ever hear from me again, just know that I loved you
Jesus Christ that's like a real possibility
I can not believe he edited a picture of our three way and made it his profile picture
I just got a voicemail from some strange woman with a Russian accent. Are you ok?
WELL THEN WHAT DAY IS IT?!?! This whole having to choose between ruining my future and ruining my liver is totally killing my vibe
I woke up at 6 and was laying at the top of my stairs.
Randomize
