DUDE. I'm missing my big toenail. My bed has blood all over it. WHAT DID WE DO LAST NIGHT?
I don't know, but I chipped my tooth and I'm wearing different underwear.
She's making her own pesto again. Cooking spaghetti in the microwave and "frying" vegetables in the toaster oven. All this while wearing the yellow rubber gloves and saying that the pesto has feelings like a real person. Im terrified.
I don't have any food so I made a martini so I could eat the olives. Don't tell me I can't think outside the box.
i feel like his penis is a security blanet. i cant fall asleep unless its in my hand
Someone apparently named 'eleaw' just text me asking if I had fun last night.
I think theres a high possibility i could be flammable.
for the record, you never really realize how drunk you still are until you get on rollerskates...
She said you told her you were ready to be a dad. We just got back from our purchase of the morning after pill. That took me 2 hours of convincing. No more fucking my sister.
1. Thanks. 2. No.
As we have told you before, the first rule of hook-up bingo is we don't talk about hook-up bingo
Um. Did you take a picture of me with a giant dildo after we went bowling?
I walked in on him pumping himself up by headbanging to the drumbeat from Jumanji.
She showed me her tits outside Taco Bell....After she flashed the dude working there in an effort to get in.
Don't date the locals. They're all tainted.
What part of I just want to watch porn, eat Taco Bell, and masturbate did you not understand?
then he said the sex was mediocre and that it was because of me. and that we could try again tomorrow.
it was 100% mediocre because of him, and we will 100% not be trying again tomorrow.
Randomize
