Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
I was wrong being drunk doesn't make accounting more interesting
It was annoying to wait 4 hour for him to be inside for 5 seconds.
Yo I'm texting you while getting a bj. I know, I'm the man. Told her I was texting my mom in the hospital.
you kept saying 'its nothing a six pack wont fix' as they loaded you into the ambulance.
The heaters out again. Makin a fire in thebroke toilet for warmth.
if i find out your the one who pierced my belly button im going to fuck your sister again
Remind me again why sleeping with a coworker and his wife would be a terrible idea.
He woke me up for a 10am bootycall. he was already drunk when he got here and when we were fucking, bagpipes started playing amazing grace outside of my window!! I love Boston on st. Patties day!!
While running home from the bar in high heels I multi- tasked and sexted with Brent. Jesus.
Update: they told me I was twerking to twenty one pilots
I threw your vagina at him like a grenade. And sweet Jesus he caught it like a champ
Our love of vodka is more proof than a maternity test
oh, he’s out of jail btw. as of about 6pm. one of his customers bonded him out apparently lol
Like he really got a coke fiend to bond him out?
Remember how I was complaining about how no guy has ever gotten me off?
Randomize
