Did you call me this morning? I was really drugged up and don't remember.
Have a good day. My vagina shrank.
Just saw a woman walking a golden retriever and a vacuum down the road. I miss downtown.
He pulled his dick out during the Bourne Ultimatum, ruined it for me.
And I was somehow convinced to wash the glassware at the bar topless.
hes trying to draw the periodic table on his chest with a sharpie. i'm not sure how thats going to help him on his chem final, but he keeps shouting "this is how the pros do it"
Just went through campus. In the span of 2 min I saw 4 places I've had sex. And thats just down one street. Man do I miss college.
The security guard popped his head over the mens room door and goes "nice tits- now get out." Deer in headlights moment right there.
Not a clue. But I did find out that his penis has a British accent.
We're in the kiddy pool eating marshmellows and drinking wine out of a box. Please dress casual.
I. recorded a message of me yelling at myself to "get up out of that bed" and set it an alarm. REALLY loud
I jumped out of a moving car going sixty into my driveway because I had to shit so bad. It is not a good day today.
I'm just waiting for the avalanche of beef.
His dick was so bent it was like fucking captain hook's hand for 2 hours
Note to self:A blacklight toga party at a frat house is a bad idea. Some things cannot be unseen
Sitting naked in my bed eating leftover Mexican food drinking coors light.. Can it get any more single than this?
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