i just woke up in a strange room and the first thing i saw was a chewbacca mask... wtf
Woman walking into toby keith concert: 8 months pregnant, black eye, shirt on that has a picture of a boot and the words "we'll put a boot up your ass" with an american flag printed over--the sleeves were ripped off and she had a camo cowboy hat. Greatest thing I've ever seen.
I wonder if all of the nights I blacked out will be revealed to me when I die. Have you ever thought about that?
Dating a girl 4 years younger than you is like living in a Taylor Swift song...
Thank you for holding my vodka while the police let me ride their horse.
The stripper told me she had been working there for eight years, then got mad when I asked if she was trying to make it into mangment. Awkwardest lap dance
I shouldn't have had sex with her. I feel that I may have opened a pandora's vagina
Even when you're not here I still manage to get pad thai in my vagina
Ive only seen a dude masterbate on a train twice, once on the Jtrain and once on the Ftrain... trust me you never wanna see where the subway turns around.
I'd love to sympathize with you but I'm drunk in a mansion
He and I are basically the same person, except he has a glorious penis and I have glorious breasts.
We're in the kiddy pool eating marshmellows and drinking wine out of a box. Please dress casual.
She's barefoot and topless screaming "HERE KITTY-KITTY" at a stray cat in the ditch on the side of the highway. How do I get her back in the car?
My tongue is raw from licking all that salt with my tequila shots...happy cinco de mayo
In your alcohol circus, can my act be juggling men? Let's be real, I can juggle multiple dick buddies better than a professional
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