i just told my mom tuesday boozeday rhymes so that she can remember not to text or call me on wednesday mornings
youre going to kill that woman one of these days
this is your 3rd pregnancy scare in 2 years, I think its time for you to re-evaluate the whole 'im a lesbian' thing
I vaguely remember having a 'grass is greener' conversation about our nipples. Dream or beautiful reality?
Beautiful, beautiful reality
Just saw a tranny in a skimpy captain america costume walking around campus. Going to follow her. You gotta see this
He can spot Burberry from half a bar away. He's not into vag
I feel like we should actually go to church one of these days to thank god for saving us from herpes and babies.
I finally got out of bed at 8:30pm and my little brother informed me that I had cereal stuck to my back. I'm going to smoke a cigarette and go back to sleep.
wearing my old cheerleader outfit to the bar was a great way to get free drinks. i should do this more often
Se wrote an essay in class about proper and fashionable winter wear for dogs. Of course I regret fucking her.
We just won 1800 at the casino and are going to the strip club. Who gives a fuck if it's 5pm
If blow jobs were a super power she'd be in the Justice League.
Screaming "dámelo" at the bottle of scotch was definitely my best and worst moment of Cinco de Mayo 2015.
My autobiography will be 500 pages of the words "I probably should've thought this through" typed over and over.
Don’t eat the Doritos. Jeff was eating them while he was watching porn
It’s only loud for those who wanna get loud. The bowlers are protected.
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