My mom just drunkenly told me i was conceived in the back of a car, at a Bon Jovi concert.
i wanted a birthday blowjob. not a birthday VD.
She was ugly to the point i wanted to brush my teeth after looking at her
you are my new fav person for making him do the walk of shame in pink footie pajamas!
there's a picture of him beating off in the library with a cowboy hat. please steer clear of this one if you ever want to be respected.
She bit a glass in half.
Please tell me this is my four loko that I just woke up in....
I am making pancakes and watching Spongebob Squarepants. My life is a waste of youth.
Well. Your father was, shall we say, privately surfing the Internet when he found a video of you and Kevin. This was on a very public website honey.
By the way, Kevin! OMG good catch honey!
I was dancing with a blow torch in one hand and a bowl of weed in the other
The trash can in my living room is full of Popsicle sticks and my vibrator has taken up permanent residence on my coffee table. I'm not doing anything productive. Clearly.
Um ... did I have a lizard on my shoulder last night at the bar?
Maybe not Elvis quality pharmaceuticals...But some good stuff
Until you've snorted cocaine at 6am before your nursing school clinicals birthing babies you're not on my level
The career specialist read an Onion article to us. Please send help.
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