chasing schnapps with beer is a terrible idea. never been drunk at 3PM before. please help please please please please
fuck he's narrating my life in a british voice make him stop im way too fucking high for this
My face smells like vagina and Im on my way to court. Fuck.
just joined the mile high club. if this plane crashes because of this text, it was worth.
should i be impressed or disgusted that i was spitting glow-in-the-dark?
Nothing kills the mood when I am hooking up on the dance floor like the DJ saying Happy Valentines.
Okay. Did anyone see me spend $1600 at the strip club last night? Or is this someone else's receipt in my pocket?
This taco party has no tacos, just a hot asian guy in booty shorts. We were lied to.
There's a homeless man outside the bar. I have a toothbrush and toothpaste in my car. I think i'm going to give them to him. And they said drinking is bad.
You're so thoughtful.
I don't want to tell anyone! People who sleep with senators either end up in porn or guantanamo
How the fuck does a person bruise an armpit? I swear to god, I get the lamest drunk injuries.
I just had to pick up my "let's drink and make bad choices" hat, my banana suit and beer pong table from work. Until just then I couldn't figure out why I got fired.
If I died tonight, I'd be content knowing you were the last person to see my boobs.
Just letting you know that I just spent 11 dollars on a car wash... Because you had sex in my car.
Should I wish him a happy birthday?
Well he has been inside of you enough times that you probably should.
Randomize