so it turns out you can rearrange the letters in "scottsdale" to spell "milf city." who knew?
did you hook up at the wedding?
No but I jerked off on the hotel sheets. I wanted to get my moneys worth.
Dude, I swear her tits are going to give me a concusion.
It's 6 am and I've spent the last few hours searching for a cork screw or suitable substitute. You had none. Incidentally, I finally opened this bottle of wine, but owe you a new meat sticky thing with those two prongs. Sobriety is not good for me. Or your utensils.
He got violent drunk so we have to untie him in the morning. He's in your basement and you're out of electrical tape. Don't forget because I will.
Can't decide which I like more. Telling a girl she's pregnant or telling her she has herpes. It's the little things that make medicine tolerable.
He bought my favorite ceral.. I've guess I've earn the status as one of his regular fuck buddies. I feel honored and proud. His roommates girls don't get this treatment.
Send me one of your boob pics as an example. I mean this in the straightest least lesbian way possible.
Well I'm over here squandering a fabulous hair day and radiant complexion
I just used a gift card from my in-laws to buy their daughter a vibrator. What even are morals?
Every time Brady gets sacked I cum a little...
He asked if we were going to take advantage of his drunken state. When we said no he tired to show us what we were missing out on. It was so sad it almost made him cute.
He was the perfect gentleman on our first date. Took me out for candlelit dinner at a fancy restaurant, held open the door, walked me home, and made me cum three times before he got his.
I haven’t taken my socks off in over 36 hours. I should add that to my bumble profile.
I'm just too horny to handle empty house
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