i just pooped in tubberware. not a proud day
Nice meating you last night
Not a typo
I feel great
I just peed on a car
Big sunglasses are the new paper bag
ya. and they're way easier to confince girls to wear during sex
I'm tempted to see how fat I can get before he leaves me. It's obvious we're playing a game of chicken here.
He set 8 alarms to make sure I took my birth control on time..
It's too hard to jack off and hold an ipad at the same time
The woman at the nail salon waxing my lip just showed me the strip with all the hair on it while smirking. Apparenltly 'you have a stache' can be communicated through a language barrier.
Ok fuckface listen up and listen good. 1.calling dibs on a chick out of your league is like applying for a job with a highlight video 2. dont fucking ski down the stairs again 3. if you do, put it on your highlight video
I have vodka soaked strawberries. My latest tarot card reading hinted at a lesbian/bisexual coming out. I doubt I survive the night.
I just got into the cab. It smells like weed and the driver looks like someone who may or may not be really talented at playing the saxophone. He also asked me my thoughts on porn when I told him I'm an actor. I might not make it home.
Dude I thought she was trying to turn my dick inside out
Operation rebound complete... I fucked the bouncer
My dreams last night were filled with sex and quidditch.
I mean I faked it but he could answer my texts
Randomize
