Your dick is once again the conversation topic.
Not complaining, but why is there a Russian chick downstairs making latkes?
We got a Christmas tree, decorated it to surprise his wife And kids who were out of town for her father's funeral, then fucked like rabbits on their new mattress before he had to pick them up at the airport.
He turned down jacuzzi sex. He cares more about my vagina than i do.
Well anything after a French guy would have been a disappointment. But I'm fairly certain he was just trying to masturbate into me.
Mother fucker, I knew it was bad when you tried making out with my car window
I just want to lay in a bed of egg mcmuffins and cry
You left a bit of molly on the table and my mom found it. She asked what it was, I said "not drugs"
She believed me because "leaving that much behind on the table would be a waste so obviously it's not drugs."
I figured it out! The supermoon explains how I managed to have sex with 3 dudes in 3 nights without leaving the apartment.
You told me I got kicked out of the bar for lipping off to the bouncers... what shocked me the most was that I made it to the bar
I keep worrying the police are going to come looking for us.
For which one? Starting a fire on my porch or having sex on my porch?
If you’re wondering why the bong is outside the garage door just know I was being environmentally efficient by not using the freezer to chill my shit
holy f. i broke my toe giving him head. how does that even happen!?
In hindsight, maybe rearranging his living room because he has OCD while he was out wasnt the greatest idea. Though it'll keep him busy for HOURS
Will you come get your son? He's using an old bike pump to help him fart the national anthem...
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