my periods are so regular now that they are sync-ed with my subscriptions of vogue.
what the fuck. my fiance told me she called our wedding band last night and told them to perform "best i ever had" for our first dance
After waking up today, I would like to find the Jesus preachers on campus to ask for help in asking for forgiveness to God.
my bedside table was not meant to hold this many beer bottles.
lesson learned: don't narrate out loud about how a girl is giving you head while she's doing it
I just imagined your drunkass eating Taco Bell in my living room. This is the Godmother of my potential child.
I had a girl last night tell me that she was happy to find a condom wrapper in my garbage because,and I quote, "well at least you're not raw dogging every slore that crosses your path"
Idk how much more i could have responded my dick was basically trying to unzip the zipper and hop out
My arrest report says I was found in midtown "performing lewd and lascivious acts on top of art meant for public display and enjoyment".
Oh ya, I forgot to tell you, last night I woke up to the sound of you peeing on the floor next to the fridge, didn't remember until now. Have fun at Dayton!
I just really wish I could go back and unsex him. Waste of my vagina.
He's so in love with you that you could fuck a blood relative and he'd be like "I just want you to be happy"
So I almost broadcasted the porn from my phone to the boardroom chrome cast
You fell out of his top bunk onto his set of golf clubs. After seeing blood on your leg, you proceeded to sing "the first cut is the deepest" while sprawled on the golf clubs
wow. that really looks like a penis. not a top hat
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