the bitch is dead man
YOUR DOG DIED?
no i meant my mom has passed out .. so i'll be over soon.
Wheres my "thanks for using birth control effectively and not contributing to the downfall of society" card.
Woke up to a bottle of gatorade and a packet of saltine crackers tied to underwear hanging from my ceiling fan, along with 3 advil stuck to a piece of duct tape and a note saying "have a happy hangover- <3 you/me"
Drunk you is pretty stunner.
This theraflu would make for a great margarita.
I can make a sudafedarita
Should I tell him the real reason I was in the hospital, or should I just keep him thinking the side effect he thought was in for was allergy related, not I just miscarried the child I didn't know we were having?
I managed to make myself a bowl of apple jacks, took one bite and had to stop eating them because they were making my brain wiggle. How was your comedown?
A guy in the dance floor is raising the roof with an axe in hand. I love Halloween.
I put you to bed and you would not go unless I let you sleep with the vodka
Rule #61 of being a lady: never get fingered by a finger with a knuckle tattoo
I'm missing my left shoe, and there's a note on my foot (in my handwriting) that says "HAHA BITCH" Any explanation for this?
Just because you have put things in my vagina does not mean you know me
I'm gonna give the church their tithe, and the rest is a down payment on boobs.
listen. i haven't sucked a dick in well over three years but i believe in myself.
Let’s be real here. NOTHING says Real Adulting like rolling a J on your line of credit paperwork.
Oral sex and brunch. The perfect sunday morning.
Randomize