My dad just told me if I'm going to smoke pot, to make sure I use a clean needle. WTF?
That fucking fat Asian kid that NOBODY invited is stuck in the dryer again
i'm sorry i gave your brother a handjob while you were on the blanket next to us, but to be fair your back was turned.
I walked in on you eating olive oil off of a plate. you gave me this look and I just started crying. we were that drunk.
I drunk dialed my ex-boyfriend last night. He was sitting next to my new boyfriend. Shoot me in the face.
My life is like a drunken tornado. All over the place and never passing up fat girls
I asked if I could borrow some condoms. She referred to herself as "a soup kitchen for whores".
I thought you wanted to talk?
What part of "Lets have angry sex" means I want to talk?
Is it weird that I want to have sex wearing my glasses and lab coat while having an actual scientific discussion?
They came over the loud speaker and said "no laying on the dance floor.." I thought i was dancing, but apparently that's just the way it started out.
YOU BETTER TOUCH MY NIPPLES TODAY
If those panties could talk.
"Once upon a time, Jenny got chlamydia from a magician. The end."
chasing tequila with frosting. best baby shower ever.
Access to a Target is paramount to my general happiness and self-worth.
That awkward moment when you were so fucking drunk lastnight that you and your fuck buddy wake up wearing eachother's clothing covered in hot cheetos with his cat curled up between your heads meowing. Thought you'd appreciate this moment with me.
Randomize
