My dream in life is to scissor with Ellen. I don't care if I've got a dick. I'll make it work.
Michael Jackson had a heart attack when he found out boyz to men was a music group not a delivery service.
Ramen noodles and uncensored jerry springer episodes, what a nice life i have.
I had sex with billy mayes last night. HE KEPT IN CHARACTER THE WHOLE TIME.
It was at that moment that I realized I was alone. Alone and drunk on an Epcot ride.
Somewhere between catching the stove on fire and not being aware of it being on fire while I'm in the living room. I drank too much.
He came into the hospital yelling "HEY EVERYBODY! REMEMBER ME?"
She hash tagged the word blow job in her text. Tonight's going to be good.
I promise not to drug you or anything. Please come to my birthday party.
I got to masturbate in Rome in a gorgeous hotel room. Don't try and tell me I need a boyfriend
I was gonna tell her, but there were too many tongues in my mouth
You gave me your shirt to use as a napkin every time I spilled beer on myself. Before we went to the bar.
he had DANDRUFF in his PUBES. 0/10 would not blow again.
Its because she suspects I'm a frequent drug user, which I am, but I am going to make her feel like she is crazy for believing it.
The last thing I remember saying was "Tequila for all!!"
If you count the sounds from the room down the hall....that was definitely NOT the last thing that came out of your mouth.
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