All I'm saying, is that being compared to a Muppet is not the end of the world.
He kept saying the best defense against a lion is to punch it in the throat.
judging from the lines on my body they wheeled me back in a shopping cart
I'm concerned I'll look like a hooker on new years eve in this outfit
There are different standards on new years eve. To look like a hooker you literally need to be giving a guy head on the street while he's handing you cash.
Nothing says I've got my life together like vomiting on the groom and passing out at your youngests sisters wedding
Please ignore everything I told you about my girlfriends vagina last night.
I woke up to a 3rd person picture of my own dick sent from a 1-800 number..
I told him his only options were from behind or me on top. I was not about to mess up my $80 blow out before graduation.
She brought over her portable harddrive and we dueled with porn. This relationship is too beautiful to last.
Dashing through the vodka, in a tinder swiping rage, all the fuck boys get a no, laughing all the way.
Don't drag this out. All I need to know is if I have to put pants on or not.
in the past 2 days I've ruined2-3 lives, made 2 men quit the bar, started a Wednesdays only affair, ended it, ruined that engagement and had my tires slashed by a jealous bouncer. please stop letting me out....
So a bottle of lube exploded all over my softball bag and Nike shirt.
before i went to bed i wrote myself a note that says 'i feel all swirly'
Flirting with/getting ready to possibly sleep with a married HS classmate and getting added to a bible study group chat within minutes of each other. #Balance
Randomize
