By the way the fattest man alive got married yesterday and I don't even have a boyfriend.
So I went home with some chick last night... I'm not sue what's worse: not getting a nut at 5am, the condom breaking and not being replaced, feeling poo when I put my finger in her but, sleeping on a heroin mattress in her living room, her swine flu coughing fit at 7am or realizing she peed the matt at 10am. Actually it was probably the fact that she continuously told me she was the classiest girl in boulder.
I peed while puking? Even better
Yes you most deff did. Ultimate multi tasker you are
The reason halloween exists is because it's not cheating if you're wearing a costume.
Pretending to care about her feelings is becoming a full time job
But like now everytime I pee I just think... wow I had sex with him on this toilet.
Have you ever wondered what your stripper song would be?
I thought he was joking about the hundred beer challenge until two guys showed up with a camera and boom mic. This cabin party is going to be fucked
My roommate says its rare that you can be tear gassed before you lose your virginity so i feel accomplished in life
Hi, this is a test of the morning after apology broadcast system. If you're receiving this pre-recorded message there is a high probability I was a dickwad to you in the past 24 hours. You have my utmost and sincere apologies. Also if you have my wallet, house key, left converse, or lighter, give them/it back
Hey guy that stepped on my foot, don't slap my ass to apologize.
The time to say "now you can't go and be strange about this at work" is not as you are penetrating your coworker. NOW its awkward
Netflix, eggnog, and bed? Maybe some hand stuff?
I asked him to get me another beer, and he started making muffins.
It's only considered alcoholism if you're drinking from something other than a cup....right?
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