i am so fucked up that i think i'm playing snood in my head.
well..are you winning?
You and I should start a club for people who woke up on outside on a bench with no idea how they got there.
you wouldn't stop saying "oil can" in the tin man voice until I gave you back your flask
She's allergic to latex.
Lucky bastard.
Is it bad when your hot neighbor is crying on her porch, and your 2nd thought is "maybe her boyfriend cheated on her and she'll want to fuck me for revenge sex?"
Perfectly normal.
I guess you don't remember pouring tequila in the dog bowl and slurping it.
Supposedly i was taking multiple birth control pills while screaming dot judge me. Never going back
did you really just send me an instagramed dick pic?
Sometimes while peeing I'll go hands free, put my arms up by my chest and make claw hands, and pretend I'm a new type of dinosaur called Dickosaurus Rex.
I don't know what weirder, the fact that I flat out said "I thought I deleted you from facebook" or that she responded with "I just hacked your account and readded myself". Never thought I'd say this but I wish drunk me would stop making friends!
he started frosting cupcakes and licking the mini-spatula realllllly deliberately and i don't know if i'm more attracted to him or the cupcakes
THERE IS WEED IN MY OVEN. HOW AM I EVER SUPPOSED TO MAKE CHICKEN PARMESAN WITH WEED IN MY OVEN.
That moment when I wear the same thing I did to a motel nooner to my family's Christmas party... Ho Hoety Ho bitches
I would literally only have sex with a dinosaur right now.
I’ve officially bought the ticket for my future dick appointment 😂
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