so... another position just opened up(704) Oh really?(704) Is it John's?(704) Or did you find a new way to take a penis?
so howd the 'mom i only play with condoms' conversation go?
I'm drunk. And at a vegan cafe. You would hate it. Don't tell my hipster friend but I kinda hate it too.
I like to use the word "seasoned" over "slutty", you know, like a good curly fry
Just witnessed a walk of shame by a guy in a half gorilla suit. It's going to be a good day.
New game: Step 1) Turn on ESPN. Step 2) Drink every time someone says "LeBron."
I think she just stepped in a piece of mac and cheese, picked it off the bottom of her foot and ate it.
Whore. There is deli meat in my wallet.
I think I'm at a stage of my life where I subconsciously purposefully fuck everything up just to see if I can find a way out of it.
I didn't want sex last night, but she charmed my dick out of my pants like a snake charmer.
just creeped your profile pictures and you should feel satisfied in knowing that you had great eyebrows even before people started drawing them on
I just turned down a booty call because I'm having a Star Wars movie marathon
I just dominated some guy while wearing your moms thong
I lost my virginity to Adventure Time. DO YOU NOT UNDERSTAND THE SIGNIFICANCE?!
TSA found the edibles
Fuck
Oh my god he just. Swiped them for explosives and handed them back to me
God bless California
Randomize
