M and I are hungry and we are making your pizza in the fridge. But you're having sex and we're not so we dont feel bad.
somehow in between the body shots the bong hits and trying to convince the 7-11 lady to let me fill up my vodka bottle with cherry slurpee. i misplaced my car.
its time to go be "that drunk guy nobody knows"....again.
You nicknamed her "lazy eye" and were screaming across the bar at her to buy you a drink...
My mom gave me a book called "why good people do bad things"
I didn't realize you were one of the "good people"
At least drunk you showered before switching sex partners last night.
sometimes i think my sole purpose in life is to cockblock my roommate
He has in a pan: ten pieces of bacon, two cloves of garlic, an egg (not scrambled or hard boiled, just an egg) and frozen corn.
Her fucking playlist had randy newman on it. It was like woody was watching the whole time.
I just realized I'm currently not eating carbs, drinking alcohol or having sex. 2014 is off to a horrible start.
did I ever tell you about my gay jesus theory?
I'm still, like... really stoked about not having any STDs
If Denver makes it to the Super Bowl I'll quit drinking. So I'm pretty much stocking up on booze
A stripper choked me last night. Then I choked her. Now we're going on a date this Saturday.
Dear Andy-the problem is not that I slept with your girlfriend, it's that you didn't know she's a lesbian.
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