like if someone fucked a dictionary but instead of having a penis, it was just one of those leap frog educational toys
I hope to god you are high
I wish that guy wasn't missing teeth
I mistook a propane tank for a keg.
after he gave me a diploma for giving him amazing head, getting a regular diploma isnt all that cool.
from the looks of the bare footprints in the snow it looks like i was dancing in circles which explains the frozen puke
Dude I am not desperate enough to pay my dealer in change. Maybe tomorrow.
I feel like delivery guys should know that when you order lunch for one and answer the door wearing sweatpants, there's no need to say "Happy Valentine's Day."
so far, I've observed him try to hit on 3 girls, 1 guy and a bar stool. Humanity is amazing from a sober point of view.
we were at work and Infront of the whole bar you yelled. "JAKE I WANNA GET FUCKED TONIGHT!" Us day drinking > everyone else
Just got our of the shower. I'm standing naked in front of my open windows cause fuck my neighbors that's why
When we were finished I asked him how long it had been since he'd cum that hard. He thought really hard for a while before telling me his brain forgot how years worked.
I remember telling you that I think Taylor Swift has stolen my essence. I still think that's true.
New strategy for telling if someone is drunk: will they attempt to drink a candle if you put a straw in it?
He only has one ball. it was like fucking a cyclops.
Hey. Did I get punched in the face last night?
Yeah. I told you I would and you didn't believe me.
Randomize
