My mom says you aren't allowed to eat doritos at my house
You're perfectly engineered for doggy style
i got kicked out of Barns and Nobles cuz i put all the bibles in the fiction section
Watching NYC prep. Doing a shot everytime one of these d-bags flips his hair. I give it 10 minutes before alcohol poisoning set in.
I wish that guy wasn't missing teeth
It was kind of weird
What did your mom walk in?
She flung her tampon across the room.
Tell your boobs to stop staring at me.
i saw a stretcher and literally ran around for 10 minutes telling people it wasnt for me
At beerfest, hammered, going to try to not get naked in public but i cant make any promises
I'm so lazy and tired i just want to cry and fall asleep in a bed of egg mcmuffins.
Let's get matching tattoos, something that resembles our friendship
A tequila worm?
you literally stared at me for three minutes and then said "hey this tequila isn't gonna drink itself, boss"
Okay so it turns out that my bf keeps a log of every time I sleep-fart. It's dated back to 2013.
he's not even weird he's been offering me different drinks all night
oh i remember now hes the guy that liked when i peed on him
Hooked up with another cop last night. Think I am renaming my vagina "dispatch"
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