You told me you were pretty sure you were god because you knew everything about everyone.
I just sneezed alcohol in a candle and started a fire.
I found out why we traded puke covered dresses in the bathroom.
I thought making out with his sister would be a great way of meeting him. But it backfired.
Safe to say I relapsed into my old chatroulette drunk flashing days.
I am far too hungover to deal with the fact I can hear you masturbating in the bathroom.
I just accidentally hit share on pornhub... Probably the scariest moment of my life
My only positive piece of news is that my roommate is moving home for the summer, so our stress-relief sex will be much easier to get away with.
Well I passed out before 4:20 on 4/20 so I deem it a failure AND a success.
I just made some sangria and taking a roadie on my stroller walk around the hood! Parenting at its finest
I smell like cowboy sweat. I got two lap dances. This is the best day of my life!
Hey. It's Michael. The guy that had his tongue in your mouth last night. Just wanted to check in with you.
I found Erin. She's getting a back massage from the coat check boy and drinking all his whiskey.
Are you in a position where you can bring me some nachos?
I hate when my Bumble matches make it hard for me to stalk them.
Randomize
