Just found my car keys in your throw-up.
Olympics start in one day, that gives us 24hrs to think of gold medal worthy drinking games
I don't care if he acts like a don't exist 6 days a week. On the 7th day he makes makes my vagina cry. In a good way. Jesus understands.
I'm drinking a margarita out of my 'best bj' trophy and it tastes like victory.
I let a guy with dreads drive my car, then demanded he take me back cause I don't let strangers drive my car, while repeatedly apologizing for being a cock block.
he referred to his penis as the bashful dwarf from snow white
Things i learned at work today: do not put mayonaise on a tattoo, it will get infected.
I paused mid sex to tell him I wished I'd taken up barrel racing so I could ride better.
Using your ex girlfriend's little brother to pick up women at the a&p: priceless
dude when I get home wanna help me fulfill my dream of smoking a bowl out of my saxophone?
He took a girl home tonight that he was trying to sell a fridge to. She wanted a fridge and got his dick. He's got a talent.
Sorry bro I thought you were kidding. If I'm actually jerking off I usually said "Just a sec getting dressed" or something
I'm at that point in my life where stripping isn't the worst thing I would do for money
I get stoned and write a 15 page history report in two hours. She gets stoned and cries because she "doesn't know which shade of pink is the real one".
Long story short I ended up getting choked out by a really hot guy in the girls bathroom at a bar last night
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