did you hook up austin?
No! he threw up in my bathroom, made me wake up and order him jimmy johns, beat my roommate with a macaroni and cheese box, and then passed out with her in her bed
Just got yelled at by a priest...again.
Wearing these hooker shoes was a mistake
Dude you just kept yelling "She was my first asain!" right in front of her.
at least he left the skimmer on the side of the pool so i could fish out my thong in the morning
You know who really doesn't like surpise in-your-face air guitar solos? Strangers.
I'd like to be considered more than just his fuck buddy thanks. IVE BEEN RISKING PREGNANCY FOR SEVEN GODDAMN MONTHS I DESERVE THE TITLE OF GIRLFRIEND
What should we drink tonight, I'm in the mood to be judged
Well I just walked into a wedding reception and im currently eating a cannoli in the men's room while pissing
Whiskey??
It will be at least another 6 weeks before I say yes again. I'm bruised. I stole sex cards and a really nice pocket knife. I acquired a vial of my own blood. Talk about a yard sale...
Did you really get up in the middle of a tattoo to go get Taco Bell?
I'm coming right back.
I think as a general rule I have to have blacked out somewhere at least twice to be comfortable.
You throw up behind 1 mannequin and it's world war 3 in forever 21
I guess there's no delicate way to say "I'm 90% sure I sucked his dick in the bathroom of the bar."
Of course that's what I'm wearing. I need to find a beard to mount and ride STAT.
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