He doesn't know I'm infertile yet, that's when the sex gets good
It's because you were crossfaded. And because drinks were 3 dollars. And because they accepted credit cards.
stuck in the elevator with that hot guy from the 3rd flood. Worried he can smell my spray tan and desperation
You left me with no money to have random Chicago sex. The least you can do is pick me up an egg mcmuffin on your walk of shame back to the hotel.
We were all definitely blackout with drunk goggles on, even though you and Amanda were the only ones dressed up as it.
Made dad pull of the highway twice on the way home so I could puke. Yeah i'd say we ended the semester well.
I woke up to a head of lettuce on my nightstand, someones Honda abandoned in my yard, the cat partially shaved, and a empty bottle of sailor hanging by a scarf from the rafters. Oh, and 26 people apparently came though and rubbed my back in the process of the night. Happy 23rd to me!
there is a video of me on Facebook getting mad at a trash bin what the fuck was in your Pepsi
Long story short he broke into a preschool and threw all their cones into a tree.
He could stay over, if you'd just ask.
Yeah. What am I supposed to say? "Oh, my couch is occupied, but my vagina's not"
Well it's like a wise man once told me: "If you're going to shave your balls, don't do it hungover."
I mean, on what planet are nipples suppose to look like that?
His dick's name has evolved from Sebastian to Big Daddy to Barbara Streisand to Barbara Walters. I think the transformation is finally complete.
I don't know why I bit your face last night but I'm sorry .
Goddamn right, I may not survive the apocalypse, but my eyebrows fucking will.
Randomize
