I'm pretty sure I left my reasoning skills at home last night, and just brought anger and rage with me.
He told me he could read braille... with his tongue. So I took him home. I don't think he was lying
No one goes out in public like that, unless they do anal
just once id like to meet someone on craigslist who isnt fat
Wait, we're on the hunt for addys and explosives. They're both in this house somewhere.
do you know how scary it is to wake up in a CATSCAN machine after a night of drinking?
So how many shot glasses of coffee grounds make a pot?
I look like a zombie and smell like a stripper. Its gonna be a good day.
I just came so hard there were tears. Actual tears.
Did you ask me to bring you a t-shirt to class or did I just dream that?
No, I did. It's a long story.
Masturbating on the clock at work is my specialty.
I don't know who's more excited for you to come home. Me or my vagina
That's the last time I send a mass text invitation to smoke a blunt
Is it counter productive to ride on my exercise bike with a cocktail in hand?
You faceplanted on the railroad tracks and when I tried to tell you to get up, you told me you were "taking a quick breather"
Randomize