the cool security guard showed me the video clip of how i sat criss-cross-applesauce on the elevator for 20 minutes last night
can you go into shock from having too many orgasms? i think i went into shock.
Yeah I'm a responsible adult man but I legally unbind myself from anything that occurred that evening and am in no way responsible for those actions.
Cause your way of greeting people at the club was grabbing a tit and jiggling it while yelling a name, which usually wasn't theirs, and guys weren't safe either.
Euphemism? No, "pantsless vodka yoga" is a legitimate pastime of mine
She was wasted talking to my dad about the hunger games than she passed out in the shower and flooded the hotel room...
I will always make you feel special and slightly offended. That's my job.
He asked me how france is treating me
Tell him you got so much dick you may never come back to the US. That ought to keep him away
My balls are resting on a block of frozen cheese in a sealed bag
She gave you a handy in the bar and you were surprised she was good with a dick?
Hahah good point
I'm ordering sushi and crying over finals. Come over and bring wine.
the bright side of moving is at least my Tinder options will refresh
I got horny for like a second but the eggplant snapped me out of it
Hmmm, well all I'm saying is don't do anything too irrational because you miss him and are blinded by his large penis.
The last time I saw you you got angry and yelled "WHISKEY DOESNT COUNT" ... I think that's at least a 7 on the hotmess scale.
Randomize
