the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
I saw your purple underwear in the road this morning.
took 5 apple pie shots. caution: flames. not digestable.
All I want for christmas is my sobriety back.
Its like fucking yourself in the head with a weed strapon
I have to cancel. My sons dad is out of jail unexpectedly and i'm kinda an emotional wreck. P.s. This is not the life I dreamed of as a little girl.
Welcome to the first annual slutathon and let the men be ever in our favor
I miss living with her. She was the only person who was a bigger train wreck than I am.
She said pants are for pussies while spooning peanut butter onto her frosted flakes with a serving spoon. She's not even high yet.
I need to be drunk within 15 minutes of getting home tonight.
He posted a picture from Senor Frogs. I don't remember where that bikini came from and my sombrero is PERPENDICULAR. Safe to say it was one hell of a day
You've lost booty call privileges between the hours of 10pm and 8am.
We got caught fucking on the couch while I was in my Godzilla onesie.
In the last 2 hours I managed to have romantic starlit sex on the beach as the tide came in with not only just a gorgeous man, but one who happens to be Eastern European and finishing Harvard law school.
Oh wow. I want to be you right now.
You know what...ii have the turtles...were together....i love these god damn turtles...
Randomize
