I called Tyra Banks a whore to her face. A sure sign I should go home. Instead I went to the gay bar.
and before you know it i was laying next to him at 2 in the morning with penis and sadness on my breath.
Why are all the lights on in my house? Every single one. Someone should turn them off but I'm the only one here and I'm sure as hell not doin it.
Nick just found a baggie of 3 year old shrooms in his desk drawer and downed it all with cheap white wine. I am not on vomit duty tonight.
Just lit a joint with steel wool and a 9 volt battery... thank you 3rd grade science class
There's limited edition cherry vanilla nyquil. It's like they know how much I hate myself and they're giving me a consolation prize.
Apparently she came home completely covered in mud, pretending to be a bird...and she still had more sex than any of us this weekend.
I just realized that I have dated 5 unemployed guys...and 3 that drove pt cruisers...Turns out I do have a type.
You should be glad you didn't come with last night. I watched pirate porn for the first time in my life as the 9th wheel.
We just got in a fight with grandma b/c she tried to tell us you didn't go hard.
Getting robbed by hookers is def a right of passage in a mans life
Fell asleep on kitchen floor again, chicken nuggets everywhere.
PS- My flight is being emergency landed bc someone smuggled cats on the plane.
What part of the grouping of the words "anal beads" confuses you?
G&T. Gin and tonic. GIN AND TONIC. GIN AND TONIC AND FUCKING LIME
Randomize
