you know what scares the shit out of me? i have eaten bagel bites since i was a little kid and just in the past five years they started puting "made with real cheese" WHAT THE FUCK WERE THEY USING BEFORE? i mean ive been a bagel biter since the womb
Tried to eat a sandwich this morning. Couldn't. My jaw is locked up. These marathon blow jobs are killing me
You know just sitting here carrying on a conversation with a 5 yr old about why there is puke at the landing of the staircase
He asked if I smoke and I said "only fools like you on the basketball court!" Then I started crying. I think I'm about to have my period.
I'm laying in bed with a case of beer,.. That's how this break up is going..
It wasn't a great time! You grabbed me, picked me up, and make me pee in the sink!
His birthday is on Valentines Day, of course he's getting a blowjob
Hella random but just hear me out...A bar that is a petting zoo. Bitches love petting zoos.
Can I just keep holy water in the night stand next to the vibrator?
I may have taken the entire adderall. I FEEL LIKE THE FUCKIN HULK. I can't stop cleaning and organizing and doing the clean things
I would say don't do anything I wouldn't do, but we both know I forget about my personal safely when getting laid is on the line
I think my pickup truck has been used for the sex... This doesn't sit right with me.
So it's my mom's birthday and I wanted to be super cheap and just walk up to her and say "I got you the greatest gift ever, mom! I'm actually sober right now!".
I hear my roommate snoring and I feel bad for his girlfriend but then I hear them having sex and I guess it all works out in the end.
I learned three things this morning. Don't get out of my car without my keys, don't let a girl paint my nail unless I'm getting laid by said girl, and lastly I learned how to break into my own car.
Randomize
