just tell him he has love handles, he'll die of insecurity
my mom asked me how i could steal on a clear conscious and i told her it was because when i was younger she let me watch alladin and he did it.
This beer is not sobering me up at all
I was so drunk, I was kissing everyone. Their sexual preference was none of my concern.
There are 18k people at the game and I'm next to the one guy who pulls his underwear down to his ankles to piss.
Sending a dick pic with a 2010 time stamp on it is violation of proper sexting etiquette
Doors open. I'm laying in bed watching caddy shack and drinking a vodka tonic.
And I'm out of vodka so bring vodka or 2013 will blow ass
My booty call just moved 2 min from my house
This has pregnancy written all over it
I think this bruise on my arm is actually an impression of your face
Sex should not remind me of how baby birds get fed
sorry I blacked out our whole relationship
I literally have anal toys soaking in the bathroom sink and dinner on the stove. If that doesn't scream "domestic goddess", I don't know what the fuck does.
Turns out I tore my ACL when I fell off the mechanical bull.. Happy bday to me
Thank you for coming with me today. I find it appropriate that we celebrated my negative pregnancy test with slurpees and donuts.
yes that’s a photo of a horny gay donkey
Oh I know. I’ve known many horny gay donkeys in my time.
Randomize