my iphone just auto-corrected drink to drnknghhhg...
There is a different car in my driveway. Have no clue how I got home.
remember how i yelled at you for inviting that coke dealer to the party?! i found the $100 bill they were snorting with in the couch.
..new slutty dresses or booze? i won't even waste time with the i told you so.
Just got 20% off at the liquor store. How you ask? I asked if there was an "I got divorced today" discount.
we were sitting in the kitchen and you kept biting my shoulder saying "itll all be over soon"
I danced with this guy last night, I left like I was humped by a blind baby kangaroo trying to body-box.
You know what's awkward? Being with your girlfriend and seeing her ex-boyfriend that she left for you while you've got a Ron Burgundy level awkward boner.
So I have to send you an email about my weekend, heretofore referred to as The Perfect Weekend. Wherein I have lots of awesome sex with a guy with THE MOST AMAZING BODY.
I look forward to this email. I will respond with, Condoms and Creepers: The Adventures of Online Dating.
So far I've taken two naps, went out and bought a pizza called the Hipster, and in 15 min I'm gonna make a snow angel. Conquering Snowlandia. How bout you?
I'm pretty sure I lit a prostitute's cigarette while sharing a pizza with a homeless guy last night
He kept saying I needed to go to the hospital and it just made me want to call him a pussy so I went to bed
His mom said he was in the ER and asked for prayers and positive thoughts. Apparently, me wishing the clap on him is not what she had in mind.
after we got done having sex, you rolled over and ask what your yelp review was. So yea I'm kinda mad.
i thought the time we went to a party with no shoes on was bad, how about the time you left with no pants on?
The underwear in the garbage is clean. Just wipe the pizza sauce off
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