she just refered to her hymen as "the mrs"
I'm pretty sure we organized our beer pong teams according to who's been circumsized...
We stuck the straw in the bourbon as a joke, you saw it as a challenge.
I vaguely remember telling a bum she was worth more than this
What's grosser: using a dirty sex towel as an oven mitt? or using the oven to reheat superbowl bean dip for dinner?
Getting sick, pulled the filter off a camel crush and rolled it into my joint to clear my sinuses. If there were stoner awards, I'd receive one.
I did something similar high once. I stopped like 30 feet in front of a stop sign because I felt like it was running towards me and I started crying. Got out my car and hugged it and told it not to run away people need it.
I woke up this morning with a sharpie tramp stamp. Pretty sure it's a picture of a squirrel.
I woke up to him peeing by our bedroom door. I yelled at him to go to the bathroom and he just kept peeing while he walked there. This is a new low.
I'm stoned as hell watching the new Star Trek movie. My life is 110% better than it was an hour ago.
Are you alive? Cause this is my official "im actually alive" text.
Dude, seriously, fucking stop introducing me as "Thomas, with the dick piercing." you are the worst wingman ever.
I hope every time you eat hashbrowns you think about me, the awesome sex we had and how great we could have been.
i forgot how loud opening a beer is in a house where your not allowed to drink
Never joke about your clitoris.
Randomize
