Bleh. If he hadn't ascended into heaven and sat at the right hand of the father, Jesus would be rolling over in his grave right now.
Need to stop getting stoned with this chick, I keep waking up covered in pizza sauce
I haven't seen any of my friends sober in months. We have classes together.
I'm in a pile of cheezits at an unfamiliar location watching dateline on tlc. Stage an intervention.
Every time I stand up, gravity punches me in the tits. This is horrible.
So we get back to the hotel room and Tom strips off his clothes... His first sexual act as my fiance? Helicopter dick. I gave him a high five.
I'm not trying to be dramatic but if someone makes you choose between getting a Brazilian or dying. For the sake of your sanity just fucking die
i hate going to her parties because i always know everyone there which means everyone knows my ex which means i wont get laid
I just wish my penis was a person so I could give him a high five.
It's funny when you can't take a fishing boat because you fucked the captains wife
I have never encountered a chode in the wild
Not only did I get the promotion, but last night after sex he took me outside and let me hold it for him while he peed in the snow. I made a heart. This week is going amazing
What, wait. You are not supposed to drink wine out of the bottle?
do you know why there was a glass jar of hot chocolate and a traffic flare in my shower?!! like where did that even come from
Topless, eating sour gummies, doing a crossword, at 4 AM. TELL ME IM BEAUTIFUL!
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