Kris Allen: Jason Mraz mixed with John Mayer and a splash of orgasmmm
I tried carrying you from the bathroom to your bed and you begged me to bring the toilet too
I got concerned once i realized you weren't there to hear us having sex. See I do worry about you.
I fucked your brother... Hey, at least we know he is not gay... You're welcome.
Life lesson: When you compete in an impromptu "bloody mary chug-off," in the end, no one wins.
We were playing hot potato with real potatoes at 3am
I woke up this morning and the search history on my phone says: "What is this castle in front of my house?"
Broeke and glass. I feel so and. Appilogixe in morbing.
Its a sick, sad, world when parents get more ass then you.
Holy shit, I just successfully took and sent a boob pic AT MY DESK I have conquered an entire new level of skill.
i may or may not have triedto pee like a boy and then dipped cheese ino the olive oil
It's rum buckets o'clock
The guy I hooked up with two weeks ago just friended me on Venmo, I honestly won't be mad if he pays me for the sex
Lets just say the phase, What a dick, has a whole new meaning at the urinals.
You need a new phone. When you talk it sounds like the teacher from Peanuts while she's trying to give a blowjob.
Randomize
