omg omg i just fucked paul. i need to stop doing this kind of thing.
wait, who's paul?
exactly.
so I woke up and found tortilla in my belly button
My brother and I both agreed that your boobs are fake.
Fuck now we have to have sex
What?
In a bet, need to win
I had to drink heavily last night because I needed to forget that you told me you want to blow my dad.
Besides asking our teacher if he enjoyed being fisted did I have any other tragic moments last night?
He explained how that handle got into our fridge. I think i'm going to stick with my original assumption that the vodka gods want me to drink more vodka.
You can't buy drugs with a ziplock bag full of quarters, chuck-e-cheese coins, and a starbucks giftcard.
watch me
Just missed the last train for another 5 hours. There are balls in or around the mouth of my life.
It's been over a year since we've been get-so-drunk-you-throw-beer-cans-at-fat-girls-drunk together. That needs to change.
you said "how could you not want to hook up with me when I have these abs" and then proceeded to rip your shirt off in the middle of the bar. I'm pretty sure you were hammered.
JESUS
I think I have to break up with him. I just cried, not moaned, screamed, etc, cried, with tears of sadness and disappointment when I came.
slept at my ex’s house last night and as i was leaving his brother was sitting there on the sofa and said “bet you regret that one don’t ya”
You were leaning against a fire hydrant asking people if they wanted to buy free pocket peanuts from you.
Do you recall asking me to zip line through your wedding dressed as a bleeding angel?
Randomize
